What if simply asking the right questions could help you grow closer to someone you love?
That was the idea behind a famous study by psychologist Arthur Aron and his team. They discovered that 36 specific questions, when answered together, can dramatically increase emotional closeness between two people. These questions became known as "The 36 Questions That Lead to Love," but they are powerful for any meaningful relationship, not just romantic ones.
Whether it’s your spouse, parent, child, sibling, or even a close friend, these questions are a practical way to deepen your connection and build trust through intentional, heartfelt conversation.
Why Do These Questions Work?
The questions gradually move from light to deep, creating a space where both people feel safe to open up and be vulnerable. Research shows that mutual self disclosure is one of the key foundations of intimacy and strong relationships.
When done sincerely, this simple exercise can:
• Increase closeness and empathy
• Break through emotional distance
• Deepen trust and understanding
• Reveal shared values and dreams
How to Do It:
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Set aside time when you won’t be distracted.
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Sit face to face with the person you want to connect with.
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Take turns reading each question aloud and both answering it.
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Go at your own pace, you could do all in one sitting or spread them out over a few evenings.
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Be present, listen actively, and stay open hearted.
The 36 Questions
Set I:
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Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
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Would you like to be famous? In what way?
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Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
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What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
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When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
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If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30 year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
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Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
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Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
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For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
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If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
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Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
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If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II:
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If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
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Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
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What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
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What do you value most in a friendship?
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What is your most treasured memory?
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What is your most terrible memory?
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If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
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What does friendship mean to you?
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What roles do love and affection play in your life?
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Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
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How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
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How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III:
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Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
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Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
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If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
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Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
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Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
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When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
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Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
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What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
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If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
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Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
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Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
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Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Final Thoughts
These 36 questions aren't just about learning new facts about someone. They are about being known and knowing another soul more deeply. In a world full of surface level interactions, this is a powerful tool to create meaningful, lasting bonds.
So pick someone you care about, find a quiet moment, and start asking.
May Allah strengthen the love, mercy, and understanding between our hearts. Ameen.
