Many parents complain, “My children don’t listen to me”. And they think the solution is to be even more firm when issuing orders or escalating to even stricter punishments for disobedience. However, they are left helpless when this seems to have the opposite effect to what they were hoping. Their children respond with defiance, and this results in a face-off where neither the parent nor the child is willing to budge. Thankfully, there are many better and more effective ways to encourage your children to obey you.
Our Messenger, Muhammad (peace be upon him) was an expert parent and nurturer. He had 6 children, and hundreds of companions who flourished under his watchful gaze. From his many recorded interactions with them, we can learn powerful methods to earn our children’s respect and their loving obedience. Parents seem to think that obedience is something they are entitled to by mere virtue of their having given birth to their children. And while there is no doubt that parents deserve respect for all they do for their children, they do not own their children. Children have their own independent identities and wishes, which a parent must acknowledge and appreciate. The parent-child relationship is not a transaction of service for obedience. Rather, the parent nurtures the child so that the child becomes a continuous charity for them in the next-life, and the child obeys and respects the parent because they are the door and key to Paradise. Without such a mindset, parents who feel that they have worked tirelessly and made huge sacrifices for their children often expect their children to obey them and serve them without question, and when the children do not comply, this can lead to resentment toward the child.
There was no greater benefactor than the Prophet (peace be upon him), and yet he did not demand obedience, he earnt it through his example. A hadith in the Sahih of Imam al-Bukhari sheds light on his method of nurture. Umar bin Abi Salama narrates, “I was a boy under the care of Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) and my hand used to roam around the dish while I was eating. So Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said to me: O boy! Mention the name of Allah and eat with your right hand and eat of the dish what is nearer to you. Since then I have applied those instructions when eating.”[1] From this brief incident, we learn many lessons on disciplining our children and earning their obedience.
Firstly, the Prophet (peace be upon him) took the opportunity to teach the boy when it arose, he didn’t delay it to a later moment. The window of time in which teaching is most effective is often immediately after an incident occurs. Many parents let the teaching window pass, thinking that they will take out dedicated time to advise their child, but this is often wishful thinking with today’s hectic lifestyles. And so by the time the parent does sit down to teach the child, the incident has become foggy in the child’s memory and so the guidance the parent is offering is not easily absorbed. Also, many parents do not just restrict themselves to one or two pieces of advice but rather have a whole list of rectifications they want to make. Upon hearing so much advice all at once, the child is left feeling overwhelmed and confused. For these reasons, it is best to take advantage of a teaching opportunity when it arises.
Returning to the hadith, we see that the advice the Prophet (peace be upon him) gave was clear and direct. He first caught the child’s attention by saying “O Boy!” to make sure the child was listening and then gave very clear instructions which the child could not misunderstand. There was no long-winded introduction or lengthy sit-down or going off on a tangent. It was straight to the point, “Mention the name of Allah and eat with your right hand and eat of the dish what is nearer to you.” Of note, the Prophet (peace be upon him) took the opportunity to not just rectify the mistake the child was making, but to also teach him other related lessons. But this was restricted to 3 points so as to not overwhelm the child. Thus, when commanding your child, make sure you first have their attention, then give the command clearly, and ensure not to give more than 3 instructions at once.
Reflecting on the particular advice the Prophet (peace be upon him) gave, we see that it was to do with etiquettes, not to do with something that is regarded as obligatory in the din. Thus we learn that as parents we should teach our children not just the obligations, but also the sunnahs and the etiquettes. This leads to refinement of character and morals, and a child who practices etiquettes and sunnahs is far less likely to miss out on obligations.
One of the key reasons that parental advice falls on deaf ears is because the parent is constantly correcting the child, such that all or most interactions between parent-child are disciplinary. While the parent does this with good intent, wanting their child to improve and succeed, this typically has a negative outcome. The child starts to view the parent primarily as a disciplinarian who is trying to control them, rather than as a parent who cares for them. This perception makes the child more likely to rebel and disobey in an attempt to establish their own control over their life. Thus, as parents, we must first establish a bond of connection and love with the child which must predominate and permeate the relationship, so that any command or disciplining is seen as coming from a place of care and not control.
This is also exactly what we see in the Prophet’s (peace be upon him) interaction with the child. The Messenger (peace be upon him) had already built a bond of love with the child prior to advising him. We know this because the child himself, when narrating the incident, acknowledged that he was “a child in the Prophet’s care” and we know how loving the Prophet was toward children in his care. For example, as a young boy, Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) served the Prophet (peace be upon him) for 10 years, and not once did the Prophet reprimand him. So remember, before you correct your child, make sure you have connected with them. And when you do correct, make sure it is outweighed by at least 5 times the number of positive interactions. Research shows this to be the magic ratio at which the primarily feeling in the relationship is positive.[2]
As parents, we must embody truthfulness in our statements and our states. Thus, when we promise a reward for obedience or a punishment, we must follow through with it. And we must practice what we preach. In the case of the Prophet (peace be upon him), he himself ate with the right hand, took the name of Allah, and ate from what was close to him. If parents are not practicing what they preach, children may feel that the command is not that important, or worse see it as ‘rules for thee, but not for me’. Besides, children are more likely to imitate what they see compared to what they are told. Thus, if we are wondering why our children are being disrespectful or rude, question the values that are being embodied in the home. If we speak politely and respectfully with our family members at home, our children will do the same with us. If we are harsh and demeaning, our children will learn the same. The Prophet (peace be upon him) earnt the respect of the child and his obedience, not through his commands, but through his example. Let us now follow in his example.
